Guest Author: Ruth Ramsay, Sex and Intimacy Coach
A bigger penis, Hollywood action hero looks, or the stamina of a porn star: have you ever fantasised about having any of these things, feeling sure they would make your sex life better? I’ve got good news for you: there’s a much more effective change you can make, which unlike any of the above, is fast, painless (in the physical sense) and free.
I’ll bet it’s something you’re not doing at the moment: talking regularly to your partner about sex. As a sex coach, this is absolutely what I see make the most difference.
I appreciate it can be hard to get started. Culturally we are told we shouldn’t need to talk about sex, and it’s embarrassing if we do. Often couples will tell me it’s the one thing they never talk about – more taboo than talking about death. But in what other partnered activity would we expect to read each other’s minds successfully, and both enjoy ourselves, for years and even decades – without ever talking about it?
Another misconception is that women find it easier, and it’s pretty much all we talk about when we are out with our girlfriends. That’s not the case at all. I find female clients are more uncomfortable opening up than male. The ‘Good girls don’t talk about it….’ conditioning is strong and we don’t even have one agreed word for the female genitals (the anatomically correct word is ‘vulva’ by the way). Plus we have a huge fear of damaging your sexual ego, and the fallout from that.
So, guys, it might well be down to you to initiate this conversation. But how?
Being Open and Vulnerable
First off, it’s much easier to discuss an outside source of information, than to talk about your own sex life together. I’ve had so many emails from people around the world saying watching my TEDx talk, Revamp Your Sex Life In Six Minutes, then discussing that, was the route in to them talking about their own sex lives.
Then, choose a time that you are both relaxed and not going to be disturbed. Make clear your motive is more pleasure for both of you, and check consent: “Is this something I can talk with you about right now?” If you’re feeling nervous or shy (or downright terrified), say so.
Get ready to be open and vulnerable… and surprised! I often coach clients who have been thinking the same things, next to each other in bed, for years. Whether it’s what they’d like more or less of; fantasies they’d love to explore; things done or said in the past that play on their mind; worries about the desirability of their ageing bodies… The intimacy of having this conversation is almost greater than the intimacy of sex itself.
If you want my step by step help in having these conversations, get my Connection Playbook For Couples with accompanying video of what I find couples most need to hear, at www.ruthramsay.com/couples Use code MMAN-5-OFF to get it for just £30.
Facing Reluctance
You might face initial reluctance, or even outright refusal. My suggestion is to get learning: educate yourself around desire (especially desire for midlife women) and leave evidence around that you are doing so. Gently bring the topic up another time. Ask what she needs in order to feel more comfortable talking about this.
If you get an emphatic shutdown? Try not to take it as a personal rejection. What could she be afraid of in this conversation? Be patient and keep attending to your own learning journey in the meantime.
Communicating about sex, instead of playing guessing games, is the absolute best thing you can do to improve your sex life. I’ve coached men who ticked all of the boxes at the top of this article – well-endowed, ruggedly handsome, physically fit – who came to me in a deeply miserable place in their sex life; and I’ve talked with others who tick none and are having the kind of exciting, varied, passionate and playful sex life you dream of. They key that unlocks it all? Communication.
Feel you’ve got questions, fears, confusion and shame around your sexual self that you need to work through before you can initiate this conversation? Coaching with me is the safe, kind, judgement-free space you need. Reach out at ruthramsay@ruthramsay.com to enquire, and see my Expert page here to find out more about me.
