How to Live a Soft Life Transcript
INTRODUCTION
Dr Sarah Nicholls: I remember going to family events and seeing friends, thinking I was boring. I felt like I'd lost myself. I didn’t know what to talk about, I didn’t know who I was. It really took me reaching breaking point to realise that something needed to change.
I think of a ‘soft life’ as being drawn towards the things you want in life - fun, joy, ease, hobbies, and quality time with friends and family - while prioritising what truly matters.
One of the beautiful aspects of being a doctor is that we get to talk to people about things they might not feel able to discuss openly with others. It kind of breaks my heart, because you realise that everyone is walking around carrying these huge burdens on their shoulders.
Paul Sutton: Sarah Nicholls is an A&E doctor, a burnout coach, and a YouTuber who believes that in order to live a productive and happy life, we need to fundamentally shift the way we view it.
She says that stress is at the heart of not only the mental health problems she deals with but also many physical health issues. After going through her own period of burnout and subsequently stepping back from a full-time career as a doctor, Sarah started living a slower, more considered life - one that puts her own needs first. She began to live what has become known on the internet as a ‘soft life.’
But what exactly is a soft life? What are the implications, and is it realistic to hope for a life centred around emotional well-being and self-care, especially when our lives are so busy?
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PS: I'm Paul Sutton, and this is Middle Man, the show for midlife men and the people who love them.
EPISODE
PS: Dr Sarah Nicholls, thank you for joining me today. You've had quite an interesting journey, from being a medical professional on a career path towards consultancy to stepping back and becoming a locum, and moving on to YouTube. You now have 45,000 subscribers. Could you tell me a bit about that journey? What’s happened to you over the last five or ten years?
SN: Yes, definitely! It has been quite a journey. I became a doctor later in life—I did graduate-entry medicine, so I had already done a degree beforehand. Becoming a doctor was something I had always wanted to do. I love people, and I’m fascinated by human physiology. So it felt like a perfect career for me.
But about two years into my career, I found myself completely burnt out. As doctors, we’re contracted for a standard 48-hour week, but in reality, it's often more, sometimes even up to 72 hours. I was working away from home with a commute of about an hour and a half, sometimes two hours.
Outside of work, I was also very busy, and I reached a point of complete burnout. So at the end of my second year as a doctor, I decided to take a career break and became a locum, with the intention of applying for A&E training to become a consultant. I worked as a locum for a year, intending to apply for training, but I loved it so much that I decided to continue as a locum. Several years later, here I am.
During that time, I started my YouTube channel, initially to help others who were taking a non-traditional path into medicine. I was making vlogs and sharing my life, and I started noticing people were coming to me with the same questions—“I’m burnt out,” or “I don’t feel confident at work.” I realised there was a gap in the market for personal development content focused on burnout and well-being. That led me to train as a coach. So now, my life consists of some locum work in A&E, but mostly coaching burnt-out healthcare professionals and helping people live with more ease.
PS: Regarding your locum work, you mentioned the standard 48 to 72-hour work week for doctors. How many hours are you working as a locum now?
SN: Well, I'm on a zero-hours contract, so I can work as much or as little as I want. Typically, I do between one and three shifts a week. But if I wanted to, I could take six months off without any issue, as I’m not tied to any set hours.
PS: And the rest of your time is spent on coaching and content creation?
SN: Yes, coaching, creating YouTube content, and also Instagram content.
PS: It sounds like a really balanced life, something many people might aspire to these days.
SN: I love it. I’ve always been interested in a lot of different things, and I enjoy having variety in my day-to-day life. I find it really stimulating to have that balance.
PS: How did YouTube come about for you? What made you decide to take it further?
SN: As I mentioned earlier, I started the channel to share my experience of taking a non-traditional route into medicine. I had done graduate-entry medicine and started later in life, and I really wanted to show that it’s okay to do things differently. When I was in my early twenties applying for medical school, I desperately wanted to see people who had made similar choices, because I was questioning whether it was too late for me. The channel developed from there, and now I focus on topics like burnout and well-being.
PS: With that in mind, what are your thoughts on balancing medical treatment for mental health with a more holistic view of well-being? I recently spoke to another doctor who, like you, stepped back from the medical side after burnout. He was a GP, and it seems that burnout is not uncommon in the medical profession, given how hard you work and the emotional toll of dealing with unwell patients. How do you see the balance between medical treatment and holistic well-being? Have you moved more towards the latter through your coaching work?
SN: That’s a great question. I tend to separate the two in my mind. My coaching is very much focused on holistic well-being, and I make it clear to clients that I’m not acting as a doctor in that role. I can’t prescribe medication or provide medical interventions. However, I firmly believe that holistic well-being should come first. If we aren’t prioritising things like sleep, nutrition, exercise, and time for rest, we’re inevitably going to become unwell. So while I may refer people to their GP or mental health practitioner when needed, the foundation of well-being has to be in place first.
PS: I saw one of your videos about living a ‘soft life’. Could you tell me more about that? As I understand it, it’s about living with more ease and comfort, almost as a reaction against the idea that life has to be a struggle. This idea might resonate with a lot of midlife men who listen to this podcast. Could you explain what living a soft life means to you?
SN: I hope it does resonate because there’s a lot to learn from it. I came across the concept of a soft life about a year or two ago. The definition I found is essentially a lifestyle focused on comfort, relaxation, and minimal stress—prioritising mental well-being and relaxation. Initially, if you’re living in survival mode or caught up in hustle culture, it might sound unrealistic or even unattainable.
When I was burnt out and overworked, if someone had described this lifestyle to me, I would have thought it was impossible. But over time, I’ve realised it is possible, and it’s about creating a mindset shift. It’s not about avoiding challenges altogether; it's about being drawn to things that bring you joy and ease—hobbies, quality time with friends and family, and rest.
PS: You mentioned that many people believe life has to be hard, especially if they’ve faced struggles like career setbacks, divorce, or financial difficulties. How much of the soft life is about mindset and belief in how you react to external challenges?
SN: Mindset is key. We all go through tough times—grief, divorce, financial problems. None of us are immune to life's struggles. But if you’ve built a foundation of self-care and ease, you’re more resilient when those challenges arise. For example, last year, my house flooded, my stepdad passed away, and we faced several other difficulties. Yet, mentally, I felt strong because I had created space in my life to rest and look after myself. The soft life isn’t about avoiding hard things; it’s about minimising the unnecessary stresses of everyday life so that when the big challenges come, you’re better equipped to handle them.
PS: When you discovered the phrase ‘soft life’, did it feel like something new, or was it more a case of realising you were already living that way?
SN: I think I was already trying to live that way, but finding the term ‘soft life’ gave me something to identify with and aim for. For instance, I used to be someone who was always running late because I was so busy. Now, I prioritise giving myself extra time, and I remind myself that it’s for my soft life. It’s about making small changes that contribute to a more peaceful way of living.
PS: Changing your mindset and behaviours sounds great, but it’s not always easy. How do you suggest people start making that shift?
SN: Yeah, that's a really good question. There are a couple of things that could really help here. The first is to start noticing what your current thoughts are. If you find that you're often thinking of yourself as the victim in a situation, with other people or your circumstances as the villains, you’ll naturally view the world that way. Your mindset will keep reinforcing itself because it's comfortable and makes you feel justified.
We all tend to play the victim at times because it absolves us of responsibility, right? But if you can step back and think, Okay, this situation may be difficult, but how can I get out of it? and start seeing yourself as capable and mentally strong, you’ll stop feeling powerless.
One of the things that really helped me with this was journaling. I started doing some free writing for five or ten minutes every morning. It doesn’t have to be a big, elaborate routine—just writing down my thoughts. Over time, I noticed patterns in what I was writing, recurring problems I hadn’t even realised I was writing about repeatedly. When you read back over your entries with a bit of hindsight, you might think, Why didn't I just fix this? I’ve written about it so many times—I need to take responsibility and make a change. So that’s one thing—journaling and noticing where you might be playing the victim. And I don’t mean that in a cruel way; it’s just a helpful way to reframe things.
Another exercise that really helped me, and I actually did this for a YouTube video, is something from the book The Success Principles by Jack Canfield. It’s a 30-day no-complaining challenge.
PS: Wow, I’m not sure I could last 30 minutes, let alone 30 days!
SN: I know! I felt the same. When I read it in the book, I thought, Let’s give it a go. I always try to actually do the exercises in self-development books. So, I started and quickly realised how difficult it was. What I noticed was that I complained a lot. To stop yourself from complaining, you first have to realise how often you think those negative thoughts and then verbalise them. So, to stop yourself, you actually have to change the way you think. I found that I was constantly complaining about being tired and busy—repeated complaints over and over. Instead of voicing them, I started writing them down in my journal and coming back to them later.
This really changed how I saw myself. When we complain, we often just vent and then do nothing to fix the issue, which allows the problem to persist. The 30-day challenge forced me to realise that I could take action and stop the complaints by addressing what was making me unhappy. For example, I noticed I was always complaining about being busy, so I thought, Okay, I can change that. And I was also always tired, so I addressed that too. I’d encourage your listeners to give it a try—even if 30 days sounds too long, try it for seven days and see what changes.
PS: So, the no-complaining challenge isn’t about blocking out negative thoughts but more about recognising them without voicing them. Is that right?
SN: Yes, exactly. We shouldn’t suppress negative thoughts; we need to tune into them and understand what they’re telling us. Complaints are a sign that something in our life isn’t working, and our brain is alerting us to that. But if we just complain without taking responsibility, we never fix the problem. By acknowledging the thought and choosing a different, more positive action, you’re actually improving your life and addressing the issues your brain is flagging up.
PS: I find journaling incredibly powerful. I only started it back in April after listening to a podcast where someone talked about its benefits. I hadn’t done it before and wasn’t really interested in it, but once I started, I noticed the same thing as you. Going back over what I’d written after a few weeks or a month was quite eye-opening. Normally, those thoughts would just drift away, forgotten, but having them down in black and white makes a real impact.
Initially, I thought it couldn’t be good to write down all the rubbish in my head, but it actually helped me observe my thoughts more clearly. And as you said, you can’t change things unless you notice them first. I did it in a less structured way, though—just jotting down thoughts on my phone whenever I had them rather than sitting down for 10 minutes every day. People use different approaches, don’t they? Some use prompts, but you said you just free-write—sit down with a blank page and get your thoughts out?
SN: Yes, I do free-writing—just sitting down with a blank piece of paper and letting my thoughts flow. But I know some people prefer prompts to guide them. Both approaches work. Coming back to the soft life, one of the key principles I’ve taken from it is creating space for yourself. That means giving yourself time to do whatever you want—whether it’s resting, relaxing, pursuing hobbies, or spending quality time with friends and family. The definition of soft life I found emphasised creating ease, and I think that comes from having more time—removing unnecessary busyness from your life.
PS: And it’s not just about work, is it? When you say ‘busy work’, you mean all kinds of pressures, right? We recently did an episode on people-pleasing, and a lot of men, especially, fall into the trap of saying yes to everything. Creating space means saying no sometimes, so you can focus on what you’d rather be doing, rather than just piling everything on.
SN: Absolutely, 100%. People-pleasing fills up your time because you’re always saying yes to others, doing favours, and trying to help everyone. Recognising that tendency and setting boundaries is essential for creating a soft life. When I talk about busy work, I mean anything that fills your time but doesn’t need to be done by you, or at all. Letting go of some of those tasks might make you feel guilty at first, but if you can shift from survival mode—where you’re just pushing through life—to thinking about what pulls you towards a life with less stress, you can be a better version of yourself for the people around you. So, the first key is creating space.
The second is understanding your priorities. We often go through life on autopilot, doing things because we think we should or because others are doing them. Creating a soft life is about discovering what’s important to you and keeping those priorities in focus.
PS: How do you figure out what’s really important to you? That’s a big question, but a lot of people feel like they’ve lost a sense of themselves and are just being carried along by life. Any thoughts on how to rediscover your priorities and what’s meaningful to you?
SN: That’s such a common issue. I felt the same when I was going through burnout, and many of my coaching clients do as well. I used to say I’d lost my ‘sparkle’. I’d go to family events and feel like I had nothing to say, like I didn’t know who I was anymore. I could only talk about work, and even when I had hobbies, they felt like going through the motions because I was so exhausted.
So, the first thing I’d say is to be kind to yourself and realise that you haven’t lost who you are—you’re just going through chronic stress. When we’re in that state, our brains function differently. Chronic stress activates the amygdala, which handles fear and stress responses like fight, flight, freeze, and even ‘fawn’ (which is people-pleasing). Our prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision-making and executive function, is less active. So, if you feel lost, it’s because your brain is stuck in survival mode. You can recover from this by slowing down, creating more ease in your life, getting enough sleep and rest, and giving yourself time to recharge.
Once you start to come out of that heightened stress state, you’ll begin to rediscover what makes you happy. I often describe it like being on holiday—when you’re relaxed, your prefrontal cortex is working better, and you start thinking creatively. You might have ideas about redecorating your home or adding new things to your wardrobe, for example. You can tap into that creativity and joy when you slow down and give yourself space. I also use exercises with my clients to help them identify their core values and priorities, which is incredibly helpful.
One of the things I ask all my clients to do is keep a ‘Joy Journal’. I would encourage your listeners to do this too. It doesn’t need to be structured—you can just jot things down on your phone. The idea is to note something each day that brought you joy, no matter how small. It could be as simple as someone holding a door open for you or sharing a laugh with a friend. Over time, you’ll start noticing more of these moments and realise how much joy you’ve experienced.
Another thing I get my clients to do is create a ‘joy list’—a list of things you’d rather be doing when you’re feeling stressed. For example, if you’re commuting and dreading work, imagine what you’d prefer to be doing. Maybe you’d go to yoga, get your nails done, or have lunch with a friend. Or perhaps you’d rather be playing football or relaxing on a beach. These little daydreams can give you clues about what your brain is craving. It doesn’t have to be a big five-year plan—just small ideas that bring more joy into your everyday life.
PS: I love the idea of a Joy Journal! I went through a phase where I didn’t know what I liked anymore—I felt completely lost. If I’d had the idea of a Joy Journal, I might have figured things out much quicker. I think it’s a fantastic idea. Now, looking at stress, you see it from two perspectives—both in your medical role and through coaching. How big a role do you think stress plays in people’s lives, based on what you see?
SN: I’m so glad you asked that, because stress is everywhere. All my patients, all my coaching clients—everyone is stressed. Of course, I have a biased view, being an A&E doctor and a burnout coach, so I’m seeing people at their worst moments. But stress plays a massive role. One of the privileges of being a doctor is that people open up to you about things they might not share with anyone else. They’ll tell you about the personal struggles causing them stress—things they haven’t talked about with friends or family. It’s heartbreaking to realise how many people are walking around carrying huge burdens on their shoulders without support.
So, I’d encourage your listeners to remember that if they’re feeling stressed, they’re not alone. Chances are, their friends and colleagues feel the same way. Talking about it is incredibly healthy. And if the stress is affecting your daily life, please do see your GP. GPs are used to dealing with stress and mental health issues and want to help. I know appointments can be hard to get, but they are there for you.
PS: Yeah, absolutely. Since you adopted the soft life, or your own version of it—whenever that was—do you think you're less stressed now? I mean, I’m assuming the answer is an obvious yes since you were burnt out, but do you notice a difference in how your body reacts when you go through stressful situations now?
SN: Definitely, yes. One of the things I really struggled with when I was burnt out, and even for a long time afterwards, was anxiety and insomnia. I used to worry about everything—overthinking situations, wondering if I’d handled something wrong. The insomnia was awful; I’d be awake in the middle of the night, stressing and worrying. So yes, I was very stressed. Since adopting the soft life, as I started moving out of burnout and making changes to my life, I’ve definitely felt a lot less stressed. Using the principles of the soft life—creating space in my life and really looking after myself—has meant that when stressful situations arise, I just find it easier to navigate them.
To give an example, last year was a really tough year. Life kept throwing curveballs at us, and we’d get through one thing only for five more problems to appear. But because I’d created buffer time for myself, space in my week to look after myself, and prioritised sleep, I had extra capacity to cope. Before, I was always on edge, and it only took one minor stressor to push me over the edge. I was at my limit. But now, I can handle more without feeling overwhelmed.
PS: That’s something I think a lot of midlife men will resonate with, this stereotype of the "angry middle-aged man"—men getting angry about everything. My wife would say I was like that too, not so long ago. It’s often because stress is so high that even a small thing can tip you over the edge. But if you lower your overall stress levels, you create a bigger gap before you reach that breaking point. And it doesn’t help that men don’t talk about things enough. We don’t talk about how we feel, so it builds up.
You’ve spoken a lot about making space for yourself. Personally, I’ve tried to do that too. But when I first started, I found that guilt came with it—maybe not shame, but definitely guilt. For example, I took a day to myself after a tough couple of weeks at work. I wasn’t working that day, so I sat down and watched a movie in the middle of the day, but my mind kept telling me I shouldn’t be doing this. I kept thinking I needed to check my phone or emails, worrying about what others might think. How do you get past the guilt of taking time for yourself?
SN: I’m so glad you asked this! I remember that feeling so well. When I was at the height of my burnout, I had one day off in a week, and I remember it was a beautiful, sunny day, and I thought, I’ll sit in the garden and relax. But I couldn’t do it. I was out there for maybe six or seven minutes, and I was already thinking, I should be doing chores, I should call my mum, I should put a load of washing on. All these thoughts were racing around my head. So, I totally understand the feeling of guilt. But I’m really glad you took that day off for yourself.
What I’d say is that the guilt is natural, especially if you’re used to being productive all the time or putting others’ needs before your own. It takes practice. You’re breaking a habit. It feels unnatural at first, but with time, the guilt will fade when you start to see the positive effects. Rest is productive. It’s important not just for you but for everyone around you. When you take care of yourself, you’re a better partner, parent, colleague, or friend.
One of the things I did was start by getting up a little earlier. I made sure to go to bed earlier, so I wasn’t losing sleep, but I gave myself 30 minutes in the morning just for me. I’d sit and have a coffee, read, and take my time before the craziness of the day started. Yes, I felt a bit guilty at first, thinking, Should I check my emails? Should I be doing something? But I was firm with myself and set a boundary—No, this is me time. Nothing bad will happen if I take 30 minutes for myself.
PS: And did you build from that? Starting with 30 minutes in the morning, were you able to expand that so now you can take, say, a whole day off if you want?
SN: Yes, I’m capable of doing that now, and I don’t feel that guilt anymore. What I suggest, and what I help my coaching clients with, is to start small. Give yourself micro pockets of time, like those 30 minutes in the morning. If you don’t have 30 minutes, start with 10. Maybe it’s during your lunch break—set a boundary that you won’t check your phone and will just go for a walk.
Build it up gradually. I recommend everyone has at least two hours of uninterrupted time to themselves each week. I also have something I call a “date day” once a month, which I encourage my clients to do as well. It doesn’t have to be a full day, but block out some time just for you. Do something lovely—go out, treat yourself. For example, last month, I went to a craft workshop. Tomorrow is my next date day—I’ve booked an art class, I’m going for lunch at a café, and I’m treating myself to an autumn candle at TK Maxx. After a day like that, the guilt just slips away because you feel so good and recharged. You’ll notice how much it positively impacts the rest of your week.
PS: I totally agree. The last time I took a day for myself, by the end of the day, I felt completely relaxed. In the morning, I walked the dog in the countryside, made myself a nice brunch, sat in the hot tub—just really unwound. By the end of the day, I felt great, and it changed my whole outlook. I think if people can manage to do this, it would make a big difference. I understand it’s not always easy because of life’s demands, but I do think there are ways to make it happen if you put your mind to it.
SN: Absolutely. And if you have a partner, getting them on board is great too. Encourage each other to take that time for yourselves, separately, so it’s truly your own time. My husband does it as well, and it’s lovely that we both have that space to recharge.
PS: A lot of what we’ve discussed about living a soft life comes down to slowing down—being calmer, more at ease with yourself, and taking care of yourself. Life moves so fast, and everyone’s stressed. But these changes are often little habits, aren’t they? There’s no magic bullet, just small incremental things.
SN: Yes, I agree to an extent. I talk about ‘tiny tweaks’ and ‘baby steps’. Small things, like giving yourself that extra 30 minutes in the morning, are powerful. But there could also be a bigger change that makes a massive difference. For me, it was stepping away from full-time work and becoming a locum. For someone else, it might be moving to a less stressful neighbourhood, or leaving a toxic relationship or job. So while the small daily habits are important, sometimes there’s a big shift that can really transform your life.
PS: If someone listening is thinking, I need to make a change. I want to live more like this—less stressed, more mindful, and look after myself better, what’s the starting point?
SN: The starting point is, like we said, journaling. Notice what’s stressing you out, both big and small. Are there signs your body is giving you that you’re stressed—headaches, getting ill frequently, digestive issues? Your body might be screaming for a change. Write these things down, and start thinking about how you can remove small stresses. Rushing, being late, dealing with rude people, not getting enough sleep—these are all micro-stresses you can address. Stop saying yes when you mean no. Give yourself a 24-hour pause before committing to anything. It’s all about removing those unnecessary stresses and creating space.
Then, start adding more fun and joy into your life. Think about what you really want—maybe it’s a walk with the dog, a soak in the hot tub, or watching a film. Give yourself those little moments and prove to yourself that you deserve to live a nice life. You don’t have to be stuck in the struggle and hustle forever. You can live a life that feels joyful and easy.
OUTRO
PS:
I hope you found today’s show interesting. You can find out more about Sarah on YouTube, where she’s @SarahNicholls.
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Next week, we’re looking at why it is that midlife men often wait until a crisis hits before they speak up or seek help.
Alice Kearney: A lot of people sort of said, you know, I'm a middle aged man, and we're the most put upon people out there. I can't say anything. I'm not allowed to say anything about my situation for fear of ridicule.
PS: See you then.