Transcript: Becoming Unstuck and Leading Yourself to Fulfilment

INTRODUCTION

Nick Edgar: If you are stuck, if you are feeling a lack of purpose, if you are aware that you have all of these behaviours, and if you don’t own that and take responsibility for creating change, this will be what it’s like for the rest of your life.

I think that in order to truly live and breathe as humans, we have to experience not just well-being, contentment, and success, but also understand that there will be periods of grief, loss, struggle, and doubt.

Actually, it’s about turning towards those parts of ourselves with the same curiosity and love, rather than thinking, Oh no, I’m feeling this. That means something’s wrong.

Maybe it doesn’t mean something’s wrong. Maybe it actually means something’s right.

Paul Sutton: Nick Edgar is a coach who believes in the transformational impact of holistic well-being and self-leadership. He helps individuals and organisations develop awareness of themselves and the world around them, and build well-being toolboxes to feel more empowered for the future.

The concept of self-leadership is one that has been referred to several times on this show but, until now, not something we’ve taken the time to fully explore. And yet, it’s critical if we want to create a more joyful and fulfilling life for ourselves in our 40s, 50s, and beyond.

But can an understanding of this really help us to recognise and address self-soothing behaviours, develop emotional agility, and move through the midlife transition smoothly and productively?

<THEME MUSIC>

PS: I'm Paul Sutton, and this is Middle Man, the show for midlife men and the people who love them.

EPISODE

PS: Nick, self-leadership—this is a concept that has been discussed a few times on this podcast, but I’m interested in what it means to you. What’s your sort of definition of self-leadership?

NE: Yeah, it’s a great opening question. I suppose I think of self-leadership—when I take the first of those two words, self—I’m thinking about self with a capital S. Who, on any given day and all things being equal, do I know myself to be?

As far as that self-awareness goes, I’m a big fan of Internal Family Systems, which is a therapeutic model developed by a gentleman called Richard Schwartz. It talks about certain characteristics of self that, if we are in tune with them, allow us to walk forward in life according to our values and to be the person we are here to be. That’s how I would describe it.

Some of those values include walking with curiosity, courage, creativity, calm, confidence, connection, compassion, and clarity. Now, as I say those words, I think of so many parts of me and so many behaviours—both in the present, but certainly as a younger man—that lacked those traits. Getting to where I am today, I can see where those eight traits were absent from how I was feeling and behaving in the world.

So I use that, for me, in the simplest terms, as a guide. If none of those traits are there, I’m not really in myself, and I need to look at that.

PS: Okay, so do you find that people, in general, know who they are? I mean, especially when they reach this sort of midlife stage—how many people actually know, deep down, who self is?

NE: For me, personally, I’ve just turned 50 recently. I would say that for most of my 50 years, I’ve not really known the answer to that question. That’s how I would describe it. Over the last decade or so, though, I’ve taken an increasing interest in discovering what answers to that question actually mean for me.

I know that the term we tend to think about in midlife is “midlife crisis.” I’m a big fan of Brené Brown’s term, midlife unraveling. It’s an unraveling, perhaps, of certain values and beliefs handed to us—beliefs that we take on as our own as men, but which we don’t necessarily fully align with. And I think if we look at masculinity as a whole, that’s often the case. So I think when we talk about self-awareness, it’s really about asking: Who do I know myself to be? And I think we can only discover that if we pay attention and actively want to answer that question.

PS: So, to you, it’s very much an active pursuit—if that’s the right word—to get to know yourself? Because perhaps you’ve adopted the traits of other people. Where do those things come from?

NE: For me, growing up, there were three main influences during the first 20 or so years of my life. The first was growing up in a faith household, where there was this notion of: if I do X, Y, and Z, I’m good as a person; if I do A, B, and C, I’m bad as a person. That was my understanding of that version of my upbringing.

The second was the influence of my father, who was a teacher. I had the experience of being taught by him and seeing the duality of “work father” and “home father”—two very different characters.

The third was growing up trying to make it as a footballer, where high performance was expected all the time, and anything less than that was not good enough.

This kind of “soup” of influences meant that when football didn’t work out for me at 19 or 20, I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted, or what I was going to become. A lot of my behaviours and what I thought I liked were driven by those three influences and others. If I try to boil it down, it’s about: Who do I have to be in the world to be worthy and lovable?

I unconsciously decided that worthiness would come from outside of myself. Self-leadership, as I now understand it, is about discovering how to give those things to myself, because they are inherently there. All I have to do is allow them to live and breathe. But part of that involves facing the challenge of overcoming that conditioning—and we all have our own story, as far as that’s concerned.

PS: So how did you get into this kind of space in the first place? Because a lot of the people I’ve spoken to on this show who have an interest in this area—whether they’re coaches, authors, or into self-development—seem to have had some kind of lived experience that made them want to go down this path. How did you come to this?

NE: Very imperfectly, messily, and over a long, long period of time is how I would answer that question. For me, my unraveling, if you like, began in my 20s, following on from some of what I’ve already shared.

I married someone who asked me to marry them after a very short period of time. Looking back, I now understand that I didn’t know then that I had become a people-pleaser. My sense of worth was based on being what I thought everyone needed me to be. That relationship quickly became abusive. It’s not easy to acknowledge, let alone talk about, being on the receiving end of domestic abuse as a man. It certainly wasn’t easy for me back then.

After that relationship ended, my life completely unraveled. I sank into a real rollercoaster of high anxiety, almost to the point of agoraphobia, where I couldn’t leave the house. I also experienced deep depressions where I couldn’t understand the point of being here—and, at times, I didn’t want to be here.

The lived experience you talk about is having come through that and continuing to ensure I never get anywhere near those places again. Touch wood, over the last 20 years, it’s been a case of continually, slowly evolving as a man, first and foremost.

I first began to take an interest in this after I sought help and started therapy. I’ve spent over five years and 250 sessions in therapy throughout my life. But what I realised in my 40s was that there were certain parts of me that kept repeating patterns.

In one of my later therapy sessions, after I had been meeting a new therapist and going through the motions, I realised I was actually people-pleasing in that setting.

PS: You were people-pleasing the therapist?

NE: Yes, exactly! My people-pleasing was so ingrained in my behaviour, and because I’d been through three or four other therapists, I knew how to package my story in a way that was “nice,” if that makes sense.

The therapist, who was fantastic, reflected back something that really struck me. After listening to me unfold my story for about 40 minutes, they pointed out one constant in everything I had shared. That constant was me.

Now, that’s not to say that anything I spoke about regarding my upbringing was my responsibility. But, as an adult, it is absolutely my responsibility to understand how I show up in the world, how my behaviours and relationships affect both myself and others. That is my responsibility.

So I got into this space with that moment of clarity: not just my recovery, but how I choose to spend the rest of my life, is completely in my control. That moment was so empowering. From then on, everything just skyrocketed.

I think I found my reason to be here. My purpose is to continue learning, to hold space for others, to bring curiosity into their lives, and to help them decide what that means for them. It’s about helping them decide how they want to move forward in the rest of their life.

Over the past four or five years, my training and learning have grown exponentially. When the pandemic hit, which was a big experience for all of us to greater or lesser degrees, my life partner Jess and I asked ourselves: What do we want to do for the rest of our lives?

Do we want to keep this as personal development, continuing to learn and grow while staying in the safety of our jobs and home ownership? Or do we want to really try to have an impact—not just on other people, but to live a life that feels purposeful?

That’s the transition we’ve made over the past few years.

PS: Yeah, the whole thing about changing in midlife and following that struggle—that's something I hear a lot from men who listen to this show. They send me messages saying, "I feel like I need something to change, but I don't really know what that is. And even if I do know what it is, I don't know how to do it because I've lived this way for 40 or 50 years." Is that where the concept of self-leadership comes from? Is it about leading yourself through that transition—if we want to call it that—and coming out the other side into something more fulfilling for your life?

NE: I think you've described that beautifully, Paul. To be honest, it’s exactly that. It’s about embracing curiosity and being able to meet yourself where you are. For me, during those long periods when I was in the situation you described—knowing something needed to change but not quite knowing what or how—I often looked outward for support. But it was presented in ways that felt too far from where I was. I felt like I’d have to shift to meet those people on their level before I could benefit from it, and that felt inaccessible.

If you flip that approach and instead start by getting to know yourself—being really bold and honest about it—that can be transformative. It begins with simple things like asking, “What are my values?” Not the values of my parents, peers, workplace, or any other influences, but what feels right to me. That’s a good first step.

From there, it’s about shining a light on some of those secret behaviours—what I call self-soothing behaviours—which we all have. These are often tied to one of the hardest emotions to face: shame. We don’t talk about that much, especially as men. But getting curious about those behaviours can reveal a lot. For example: Why do I need a couple of drinks every night? Or, why do I become someone I don’t recognise for 90 minutes at my local football match? It might even be behaviours like turning to pornography or masturbation as a way of secretly soothing yourself.

These behaviours often begin during adolescence and, if kept secret, can last a lifetime. The real question is: Are these behaviours helping or hindering us? And what are they actually soothing us from?

PS: Yeah, these are big questions.

NE: They are. If I think about my own self-soothing behaviours—having only just heard this term from you, so it’s new to me—I’d say over the last five years, I’ve probably drunk a little too much. Not to excess, but maybe a couple of drinks every night. And it’s only in the last year that I’ve broken that pattern. If you’d asked me why I was doing it, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you. It was just something I did—having a couple of beers with dinner and another one later, out of habit. From your perspective, though, there must be a reason I was doing that. How do you go about uncovering what those reasons are? That seems huge.

NE: It is huge, and it’s easy to focus on the difficulty of it, to think you’re covering up something “bad” or negative. But sometimes those behaviours are about not knowing how to experience joy or creativity or other positive emotions. These behaviours help us bring our emotional experiences into comfortable parameters, and that’s how I see them.

It doesn’t always have to be about trauma or a problem to solve. Sometimes, it’s just little gaps in our upbringing. Maybe your parents worked a lot, and you had to look after yourself. That’s not necessarily traumatic, but it might lead to patterns of self-soothing.

Think about how often you walk into the kitchen, open the fridge, and look inside without feeling hungry. Or how often you pick up your phone, scroll for no reason, and put it down again. These are ingrained behaviours. When we want to unpick them, the key isn’t always asking, “Why do I do this?” Instead, ask, “What’s happening within me when I do this?” Start paying attention to your emotions and bodily sensations before, during, and after the behaviour. The answers often become self-evident.

PS: Is the key to breaking these self-soothing behaviours understanding why they’re happening and observing them? I’m trying to wrap my head around how you go from identifying the behaviour to actually stopping it.

NE: No, understanding it is just stage one. The next step is recognising the behaviour before it happens. These things often occur within seconds, so it’s not an overnight change. It’s about noticing the signs—like jiggling your leg or feeling anxious—and then using tools to work with that experience rather than letting the conditioning play out.

For example, I’m trained in tools like hypnotherapy, NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), breathwork, and Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping). These methods can act as a stopgap. But beyond tools, you also need to envision the version of yourself that no longer engages in these behaviours. What does that empowered version of you look and feel like?

PS: Yeah, I was going to ask about that. What does breaking those habits actually do? For instance, not drinking is good for your health, but that’s not the ultimate goal, is it? What’s the real benefit?

NE: The benefit could be as simple as being more present with your partner or kids, getting a better night’s sleep, or being more engaged at work. It’s not always about having a concrete end goal, though. Self-leadership is about designing your own outcome and learning as you go. Embrace getting it wrong, and approach it with compassion.

The critical inner voice might judge you—“Oh, you’re terrible for drinking every night”—but that often leads to doubling down on the behaviour. The key is self-compassion. If you don’t take responsibility for creating change, this will likely be your reality for the rest of your life. That’s when drastic actions—like buying a Porsche or leaving your partner—start to happen.

The good news is, while the path is challenging, it’s also incredibly rewarding. And it’s probably not as far away as you think.

PS: Yeah, because it does feel like a long way off.

I can see how hugely beneficial it is to develop this approach. And I don’t just mean personally. From a lot of the messages I get, it seems like a long way off for some men to go from how they’re feeling now to what you’re talking about—being able to lead themselves into a better life. How do you go about starting that process?

NE: When I work one-on-one with someone, it usually spans about six months—sometimes a little less, and occasionally it goes longer. The real question to ask yourself is: how ready do you feel? How ready are you to take radical responsibility for who you are, how you show up in the world, and for your loved ones?

For some, that readiness happens quickly. For others, like me, it can take over a decade. Everyone’s journey is different. But committing to a process—whether it’s with a therapist, a coach, a peer support group, or something entirely different—can make all the difference.

Even though the term "self-leadership" implies it’s all on you, trying to navigate this journey alone is incredibly hard. Who’s going to hold space for your experiences? Who’s going to ask the questions you wouldn’t think to ask yourself? Who’s going to introduce you to tools you didn’t know existed? Who’s going to be there when you need to fall apart a little because you’ve uncovered something about yourself? 

And equally, who will celebrate your wins with you?

To me, that’s why external support is crucial. Think about your own experience this year. The version of you that stepped into 2024 is probably vastly different from the man sitting in front of me today.

PS: Absolutely. When I recorded the first episode of this show—I can’t remember exactly when it was, maybe spring heading into summer—I reflected on how I’d been around April. If I think back now, I was a totally different person in the first quarter of the year compared to who I am today.

But it hasn’t been a linear process. The first quarter was a definite low point. Then I started researching, learning, and talking to people, and things lifted through the second quarter and into the summer. But since then, it’s been a bit more of a struggle again.

Even recently, though the podcast has done far better than I ever thought it would—lots of downloads, loads of positive messages from people—I’ve found myself doubting again. Thoughts like, “Is this actually any good? Does anyone really want to listen to this? What’s the point?” have all come flooding back, literally in the past month. And that’s when things are going better than ever. It’s such an odd experience.

NE: What I’m hearing ties into what we’ve been talking about—the distinction between external success and what’s happening internally. Think of it like a bungee cord. Your conditioning is like a series of bungees attached to you. When you try to make changes or achieve something new, like external success, you might feel the initial lift.

But those internal bungees are still attached. They’ll pull you back if that conditioning hasn’t been addressed. There’s a fantastic book called The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks, which talks about concepts like the “zone of comfort” and the “zone of excellence.”

When we achieve success, it can spark fear. Suddenly, our head is above the parapet. People are noticing us, praising us. But if part of our conditioning is rooted in not feeling good enough, that success triggers imposter syndrome. That’s likely why those doubts resurface.

The key is noticing how you feel during those moments. Are you judging yourself for those feelings, or are you getting curious about them? For me, it’s about recognising that life isn’t meant to be a constant state of happiness or success. To truly live, we have to experience the full spectrum—grief, doubt, loss, joy, and triumph.

The challenge is turning toward those harder emotions with the same curiosity and compassion as we do the positive ones. Instead of thinking, “Something’s wrong because I feel this way,” consider the possibility that nothing is wrong. Maybe something is actually right.

PS: That’s such an interesting perspective, and I love the bungee cord analogy. It helps to reframe things—moving away from judgement and toward self-awareness. You’re saying the cord is always there. It might pull us back at times, but self-leadership is about having the awareness and tools to handle those moments without being overwhelmed. Is that a fair summary?

NE: Yes, that resonates deeply. It’s about having the toolbox, the self-awareness, and the ability to take action without panicking when your emotional experience shifts.

Take your example of doubting the podcast’s value despite its success. It’s not about believing those doubts or feelings. It’s about allowing yourself the grace to move through them. If you start believing the negative thoughts—“The podcast isn’t good enough”—that’s when the bungee cord tightens.

PS: What’s the key to not believing the stuff your mind tells you? Because there are so many men listening to this who feel stuck, unable to move forward because they believe everything their brain is telling them.

NE: Great question. For me, it starts with recognising those critical thoughts for what they are—stories we tell ourselves. These stories are often misunderstood.

We’re conditioned to seek comfort, but comfort can also lead to stuckness, especially if it’s not aligned with who we truly are or if our needs aren’t being met. For a long time, I believed the voices in my head: “I’m not good enough. I’m a failure. I’m stuck.” Those thoughts played on a loop, reinforcing my feelings of frustration.

What I’ve learned is that those voices, as critical as they might sound, are actually trying to protect me. They’re keeping me in a “safe” place, even if that place feels stuck or frustrating, because anything new feels unsafe to the nervous system.

The breakthrough comes when you can look at those voices with compassion. Instead of fighting them, you acknowledge their intention—however misguided—and separate yourself from them. They aren’t you. They’re a part of you, rooted in past experiences, trying to keep you safe.

This perspective shift can be life-changing. It creates space between you and those voices, allowing you to lead yourself instead of being led by them.

PS: That makes sense, and I completely understand that now. But that leap you’re talking about still feels critical. The way I’m thinking about it is, it’s not necessarily about wanting to be “better” as a person, but being in a better position. Wanting your life to be better than it is.

Speaking from personal experience, if I go back to the first quarter of this year, I felt completely trapped. One of the first episodes of this show was called Trapped by the Life I Designed because that’s exactly how I felt. I had built this life for myself and my family, and I reached a point where I thought, I’m utterly stuck, and there’s nothing I can do to change it.

The leap you’re talking about seems to be a mindset shift—from thinking, I’m stuck in this to No, I can do something about this. Even if you don’t know exactly what to do or how to get there, you make the decision to try.

NE: Exactly, Paul. I love what you just said. Recognising the stuckness is one thing, but we often feel like we need to know the exact destination before we can start the journey. That mindset—“I need a clear goal before I can move”—can keep us frozen in place.

What I’m inviting people to do is shift that perspective. You don’t need to know the destination right away. If you start taking small steps, the path and destination will begin to reveal themselves.

And crucially, it starts with you. Not external factors, not things outside of yourself, but what’s happening inside. The answers are already there—you just need to begin the process of uncovering them.

PS: That’s a powerful perspective. So, for men listening who might be in that place of feeling stuck, what’s the first step they can take to start moving forward?

NE: The first step is to meet yourself where you are. That means getting curious about your current situation without judgement. Ask yourself: What am I feeling? What am I avoiding? What am I yearning for?

It doesn’t have to be a big, dramatic action. It could be as simple as journaling about your thoughts or having an honest conversation with someone you trust. If you’re ready, reaching out to a therapist, coach, or support group can provide that extra structure.

But whatever you do, make sure it’s grounded in self-compassion. If you approach this process with harshness or judgement, it will only reinforce the stuckness. Instead, be patient with yourself and recognise that this is a journey.

PS: You’ve mentioned self-compassion a few times now. Why is it such a crucial part of this process?

NE: Because self-compassion is the foundation for any meaningful change. When you’re trying to break old patterns or uncover parts of yourself that you’ve been avoiding, it’s uncomfortable. It can trigger shame, fear, or feelings of inadequacy.

Without self-compassion, those emotions can overwhelm you. They might make you want to retreat back into the safety of what you know, even if it’s unfulfilling.

Self-compassion allows you to face those difficult parts of yourself without turning away. It creates a space where you can explore your emotions, behaviours, and choices with kindness rather than judgement. That’s when real growth happens.

PS: That’s a brilliant way to frame it. So, it’s not about beating yourself up for where you are—it’s about accepting where you are as a starting point.

NE: Exactly. And from that place of acceptance, you can begin to take steps forward.

It’s like learning to walk. When a toddler takes their first steps and falls, no one yells at them for falling. Instead, we encourage them to try again. But as adults, we often forget to extend that same kindness to ourselves.

If you approach this process with the same mindset—of trying, falling, learning, and trying again—you’ll find that over time, the leap you thought was impossible becomes much more manageable.

PS: That’s such a valuable analogy—treating ourselves with the same kindness we’d extend to a child learning to walk. It really shifts how you approach things. But for men who’ve spent years or even decades being hard on themselves, self-compassion can feel almost impossible to access. Where do you start with that?

NE: You’re absolutely right. For a lot of men, self-compassion feels foreign—almost like a weakness. That’s partly because many of us are conditioned to associate worth with productivity, strength, and solving problems. But self-compassion isn’t about being “soft” on yourself. It’s about being fair and recognising that you’re human.

If self-compassion feels too big a leap, start small. For instance, think about how you’d talk to a close friend if they were struggling. You’d likely be supportive, understanding, and encouraging. Now, try to turn that same tone inward.

Another approach is to simply notice when that harsh inner voice shows up. Instead of engaging with it, pause and ask yourself, What would it feel like to respond with kindness here instead of criticism? It’s not about silencing the critical voice entirely, but learning to balance it with a more compassionate one.

PS: That’s so helpful. I suppose it’s about recognising that inner voice, which is often automatic, and choosing to interact with it differently.

NE: Exactly. And it’s important to remember that this takes practice. For most of us, the harsh inner voice has been with us for years. It’s deeply ingrained. So, don’t expect to flip a switch and become perfectly compassionate overnight.

Instead, aim for small wins. For example, when you catch yourself being self-critical, you might say, Okay, I hear that voice, but I’m choosing to be kind to myself in this moment. Over time, those small shifts add up.

And here’s the thing: self-compassion doesn’t just make you feel better. It actually strengthens your resilience. When you’re kind to yourself, you’re more likely to take risks, try new things, and bounce back from setbacks.

PS: That’s a great point. And it ties back to what you said earlier about curiosity—approaching all of this with a sense of exploration instead of judgement.

NE: Absolutely. Curiosity is a powerful antidote to self-judgement. When you’re curious, you’re not focused on whether something is “right” or “wrong.” You’re simply exploring what’s there.

For example, let’s say you notice a behaviour you want to change, like reaching for a drink every evening. Instead of beating yourself up about it, you might ask, What’s happening in the moments before I reach for that drink? What am I feeling? What am I trying to soothe?

This kind of inquiry opens up space for understanding and growth. It shifts the focus from, I’m failing because I do this to I’m learning about myself through this.

PS: That makes so much sense. And I think that approach—of learning instead of judging—is something a lot of men could benefit from. It feels empowering rather than punishing.

NE: It is empowering. And the beauty of it is that it’s a lifelong process. There’s no “final destination” where you’re done learning or growing.

I often tell the men I work with, The goal isn’t perfection. It’s progress. Some days you’ll feel like you’ve taken a huge step forward; other days, you might feel like you’re back where you started. But even those setbacks are part of the journey.

What matters most is that you keep showing up for yourself, again and again.

PS: That’s such a powerful message—that it’s about showing up for yourself, no matter what.

Do you think people get stuck because they don’t know what the destination is? I mean, it seems like a stretch to say, “I want to be somewhere else in two years,” when you don’t even know what that destination looks like. How can you take steps to get there if you don’t know where “there” is? Your point seems to be that it doesn’t matter. Just start changing your mindset, and through the process, the destination will reveal itself.

NE: Yes, exactly. But it’s not about making huge leaps right away. It’s about starting with where you are.

When someone says, “I feel stuck” or “I feel trapped,” that’s the big statement. But then it’s about getting curious: What does that actually mean? What sits under those feelings? What are the behaviours and self-soothing habits tied to that?

The first step is loosening that stuckness—asking questions like, “How true is it that I’m actually trapped? What does that mean for me? What small, 1% changes can I make day to day?”

These small changes might not feel significant in the moment, but if you commit to something—like cutting back on drinking a couple of beers every night—and reflect on how you feel a month or three months later, you’ll start to notice a shift.

This is where self-leadership comes in because it doesn’t require anything outside of you to change. It’s about changing what’s inside you.

PS: I’m a big believer in those micro changes. I really am.

NE: And none of this is about becoming someone new. For me, it’s about peeling back the layers of how you think, feel, and behave to uncover what’s already inside you. That’s what makes it so accessible.

PS: That’s a great way to put it. A lot of people reach a stage in their lives where they feel utterly lost. They don’t know who they are anymore. Life has happened to them—they’ve gotten married, built careers, followed certain paths—and they’ve lost sight of who they were, say, in their 20s.

One day, they wake up and think, Who the hell am I? I’ve been through that myself. It’s a process of uncovering who you are. And making those small, 1% changes you’re talking about—it’s enlightening. Once you figure out who you are, that’s when you can start moving toward that destination. But you have to put the work in first.

NE: Exactly. You have to put the work in, but it doesn’t have to be arduous. In fact, some of it can be really joyful. It’s about opening yourself up to all of it—the good and the challenging.

PS: I completely agree. One thing you’ve mentioned before is emotional agility. How does that play into all of this?

NE: Emotional agility is about recognising that you have a choice in how you respond to your emotions.

It’s tied to your stress response. For example, when I’m stressed, I can get snappy. Emotional agility is about inserting a pause in those moments—recognising that I’m in a state of stress before I react.

One tool I recommend for developing emotional agility is the emotions wheel. It’s a simple but powerful resource that helps expand your emotional vocabulary. Many men express emotions like anger because it’s a default or conditioned response, but anger often masks other emotions.

If you look at an emotions wheel, you’ll see core emotions in the centre—like anger, happiness, or sadness—but there are so many nuanced emotions radiating out from those. Often, feelings like stuckness are the result of multiple emotions that have gone unprocessed.

PS: That’s interesting. What you’re saying resonates because, like a lot of men, I wasn’t taught how to feel, process, or even name my emotions.

NE: Exactly. Many of us weren’t modeled how to experience and process emotions. When an emotion rises, we’ve been conditioned to push it down and retreat to our heads.

Emotional agility isn’t about feeling everything all the time like a toddler might. It’s about recognising patterns and creating space to process emotions intentionally. For example, if you know you’re entering a stressful period, like a busy patch at work or around the holidays, you can predict that you might feel more on edge.

One tool I find transformative is breathwork, especially conscious connected breathwork. It’s a simple but effective way to safely feel and release big emotions. The practice involves breathing deeply into the belly and chest, then exhaling in a connected rhythm without pause. Over time, this shifts the oxygenation in your body, grounding you in the present and moving you out of your head.

Ending the session with a physical release, like a scream or shout, can clear emotional clutter and create space to move forward.

PS: That’s fascinating. Just the other day, I was feeling really anxious—work stress, the holidays coming up, you name it. It all piled up, and I was on edge. I went to bed, fell asleep okay, but woke up two hours later and couldn’t get back to sleep.

The next day, I sat quietly and did some breathwork. It completely quelled my anxiety. And afterward, I thought, Why didn’t I do this yesterday? I know it works for me, but I forget to use it.

NE: What you just described is a perfect example of self-leadership in action.

PS: You’re right. Reflecting on the past year, I recognise how much self-leadership I’ve developed without even realising it. I wouldn’t have called it that before, but having this conversation makes me see it for what it is.

For men listening who want to develop self-leadership, what’s the one thing they should do after hearing this podcast?

NE: The first step is to take an honest look at your daily life.

Write down how you’re spending your time over a typical week. Be brutally honest. Then ask yourself: Where can I carve out even 10 minutes for myself? That time is non-negotiable—it becomes the foundation for everything else.

For example, commit to spending 10 minutes every morning before work or 10 minutes in the evening before bed. During that time, you could journal, do a short meditation, reflect using an emotions wheel, or simply sit quietly with your thoughts.

The act of prioritising yourself—even in small increments—starts to loosen those bungee cords we talked about earlier. It might feel awkward at first, and that’s okay. The awkwardness is part of the process.

Stick with it for two weeks, then four weeks, and notice how you feel. The goal isn’t perfection. It’s creating a structure where you can consistently show up for yourself.

OUTRO

PS: I hope you found today’s show valuable. You can find out more about Shame Containment Theory at the3espace.com.

If you found the show helpful, please share it with someone who might benefit from listening, as this really helps the show to grow.

You can also sign up to the middleman newsletter, which is an article and resources based on the theme of the week’s show at middlemanpodcast.com 

Next week, we’re diving into modern masculinity and living life in alignment with your values.

Tom Stroud: This position that I've taken talking around things like masculinity and gender dynamics, that's not a normal route for a reality TV person and so it's not like the brand deals have been flying in. But what I'm noticing now is, after two or three months of just doing it, it's finally starting to come to fruition.

PS: See you then.