The Cost of Putting Yourself Last Transcript

INTRODUCTION

Daniel Glyde: People will treat you how you allow them so. So if you set up an expectation that you're the guy that always says yes, you're going to be the guy that everybody piles on to.

That's a constant message to your mind of "I don't come first, everybody else is worth more than me so therefore I always say yes". And that constantly chips away at your self worth and your self esteem.

In my experience at the BBC, when I stopped saying yes to everything, I became more powerful. The way people looked at me changed. They respected me a lot more, they offered me a lot more opportunity, not less opportunity.

When you're in love with yourself, when you're being yourself unashamedly, you know instinctively what to say yes and what to say no to.

Paul Sutton: Daniel Glyde is a coach who is on a mission to change the conversation around men and to help them gain more from life. He’s an advocate of positive masculinity, encouraging men to discuss their challenges away from the expectations of society. 

And one of the challenges that many men face in midlife is their tendency to say yes to everything. To fall into people pleasing behaviour either to get ahead or to avoid conflict. And then to wonder why they’ve lost all sense of who they are.

But how do you know if you’re a people pleaser? And how can you go from saying yes all the time to putting yourself first?

<THEME MUSIC>

PS: I'm Paul Sutton, and this is Middle Man, the show for midlife men and the people who love them.

EPISODE

PS: Daniel, after a long career at the BBC as a video producer, I think you now work with midlife men on bettering themselves, helping them become better versions of themselves. Why? What’s your story?

DG: The reason I work with men, Paul, is because I feel called to do it. In 2018, I completely burnt out. I ran myself into the ground—physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion. I had a really nasty anxiety attack one day while sitting on my doorstep, which was life’s way of hitting me in the face with a brick and saying, “Mate, there’s something not right here. You’ve got to pay attention.” 

I think I’d been sent a lot of subtle signs along the way, but I just ignored them. And from there, I started rebuilding myself. What it made me do was turn my attention inward and ask, “What’s going on with me here?” I realised I was chronically stressed and had probably had an anxiety disorder for about 10 years. I’d experienced bouts of depression throughout that decade, but I had no idea I had a problem with my mental health at all. I thought it was normal. I thought it was just the stresses and strains of having a high-powered career.

I had a job, Paul, that I absolutely loved. It was my dream job—to be broadcasting sport. I did various roles for BBC Sport: digital video production, live streaming, TV production and directing, making programmes. It was wonderful. I got to travel all around the UK, watching sport. I got to watch sport and get paid for it. I got to work with some of my all-time heroes, like Ian Wright and Alan Shearer. It was just a fantastic job. I used to love the reaction I got when I told people what I did, especially blokes. 

But the trouble was that my relationship with my career became like a toxic relationship, where I prioritised it at all costs. My health and well-being were sacrificed. My own needs and relationships were all sacrificed because that was the path that society had shown me—the path to success: the grind, the hustle. Broadcasting sport involves unsociable hours: working weekends and evenings because that’s when the sport happens, right? And I had no problem with that. 

The problem was that I was trying to please people to get ahead, so I would never say no to anything. We did 10-hour days. I had a three-hour commute on a good day, which meant 13 to 14-hour days. For big events, we didn’t take days off. During the World Cup, Euros, or Olympics, we’d work for three weeks or more without a day off. That’s just the way it worked.

If you’re not prioritising yourself and your well-being outside of work, you will run yourself into the ground, which is what happened to me. I’ve always been pretty good at looking after myself physically—I’m a sporty guy. I used to play a lot of football, swim every day, and I was generally very healthy. But at the start of 2018, when I had that panic attack and reached burnout, I was physically unwell too. I was overweight, had bad skin, poor digestion—symptoms of poor mental health. 

But I had no idea that’s what it was because there was no information telling me, this is what poor mental health looks like for men. I even remember experiencing bouts of insomnia, which were probably signs of depression and severe anxiety, but I didn’t know that at the time. I used alcohol to help me sleep, so, of course, I wasn’t getting good rest, which only made things worse.

Eventually, I went to the doctor. I remember the doctor asking me, “Is there any stress in your life?” I sat there and thought, I’ve got my dream job, I drive a brand new convertible sports car, I’ve got an amazing wife and a beautiful marriage, I own my house, I’ve got a wonderful son—no, I’ve got nothing to be stressed about, Doc. There’s no stress in my life. But, of course, I was very stressed, Paul. Absolutely right.

I had this mindset in my late twenties, when I launched my career, that it was all or nothing. And in my late twenties, that was okay. I had no responsibilities. But as you get older, into your thirties and then forties, your responsibilities increase—children, bigger mortgages, people relying on your work. As you step up, suddenly you’re in charge of people; you’re responsible for output. I was doing live broadcasts on the BBC, watched by millions of people. That brings stress and pressure, and if you’re not looking after yourself... What I ended up doing, Paul, was gradually moving further and further away from who I genuinely was.

When I first joined the BBC, I had a massive bout of imposter syndrome. I looked around at world-class talent and thought, Do I belong here? One of the first people I worked with was Dan Walker—an amazing guy. I had ambitions to be a presenter and a reporter when I joined the BBC, but when I looked at someone like Dan, I thought, How could I compete with this guy? He’s just brilliant. So I felt inadequate—something we all suffer from at times. I told myself, Right, to be successful here, I need to create a persona—someone who isn’t really me. I’ll be “Dan Grey’s BBC Sport”—that’s how I’ll get ahead. Another big mistake I made was deciding that, in such a competitive environment, I couldn’t be friends with my colleagues. I told myself, If I’m competing for the same opportunities, I can’t afford to be friends with these people. I need to be ruthless and strategic. So I kept everyone at arm’s length.

You can imagine what a lonely place that was. There was nobody else in my life who understood my career. My wife didn’t understand it. My old friends didn’t understand it. The only people who did were those at the BBC, but I had no relationship with them because I’d deliberately kept my distance. So, here I was, steadily moving further and further off course, away from my values and principles. And when you do that, your body naturally gives you a stress response. You know, like when we lie? That’s why polygraphs work—because we have a stress response to lying. Our inner guidance tells us, No. Our conscience tells us, No, but we override that. And that’s what I was doing. My inner guidance was saying, No, Dan, this isn’t you, but I was saying, It has to be me, because this is my dream job, and I want it, and I have to get ahead.

That mindset continued throughout my career. I’d get subtle hints from life telling me, Mate, you’re feeling bad here, but I’d override them with beer, drugs, food, gambling—anything that made me feel better in the moment, even if it was deeply unhealthy. I got addicted to many of these things, which only further damaged my mental, physical, and emotional health.

I’ve always considered myself emotionally aware and intelligent, but I wasn’t. I had no idea what my emotions and feelings were for. I thought they were unnecessary—irrational, woolly thinking, as if emotions were mere thoughts. So I buried, avoided, and suppressed them systematically for years. But these feelings don’t go anywhere if you don’t address them. There’s a message your emotions are trying to send you. If you don’t acknowledge it, it lingers and affects your physical health. It was all these things combined that made me blow up.

When I began rebuilding myself, I started reaching out for expert help. Initially, I consumed podcasts, YouTube videos, and books, absorbing any information that offered a different perspective. And then I realised, The career at the BBC isn’t for me anymore. It was a big decision for me. I remember sending my wife an email; she was gobsmacked. But the amazing thing is, the moment I stopped caring about the BBC, the moment I let go of all that ambition and drive, everything I had been chasing came to me. I was promoted to directing live FA Cup games, rugby league matches, and programmes on BBC One—all things I’d been striving for but had always been out of reach. The minute I stopped chasing and hustling, everything fell into place.

When I was promoted away from the coalface into more management roles, I found I really enjoyed one-on-one work—mentoring people, helping them grow, sharing my experience. When I began leadership training at the BBC, I realised my leadership style was coaching. I’d always thought I was more command-and-control, but when I received feedback, they told me, “Daniel, you’re not command-and-control; you’re a coach.” So I thought, Right, I want to do something different in the world. I want to directly impact people’s lives.

I thought I might want to become some sort of coach or consultant. Then I thought, Right, okay, who do I want to work with? When you start doing all your coaching training, they tell you to look for people like yourself five years ago. So I thought, Who was I five years ago? I looked at what had happened to me with my mental health and eventual burnout, and I realised that so much of what happened was because I’m a man—because I’m a man living in the modern world. I had a very 20th-century view of what it means to be a man and what masculinity represents. I had a skewed perception of what resilience means. 

I used to think it was about endurance, pushing on, and never giving up—all those things that have been ingrained in us as men. We’re taught to never ask for help, to shoulder all burdens, to bury our emotions. All those beliefs that are drilled into us are what led to my problems. I was following a path of success designed by someone else—acquire all the material possessions, be happy when you retire. I suddenly realised, This isn’t the way to live your life.

I started looking around me and noticed the suicide rates in men between the ages of 45 and 55. I started seeing high incidences of cardiovascular disease. I looked at the men around me, seeing how stressed and frustrated they were, how much they were silently suffering, not even realising there was a problem. They thought it was normal. In fact, it was celebrated in some ways, which was poisoning us. “Oh, look at me, I’ve only had three hours’ sleep, and I’ve done a 15-hour shift, and I’m tough and strong.” It’s like, No, you’re just being reckless, because it’s going to kill you. And, you know, what use is all that success if we’re dead, if we’re divorced, or if we’ve had a debilitating heart attack? What’s the point of all this hustle and grind if we have no joy, no purpose, no meaning, and no fulfilment in our lives?

I think this becomes starkly clear as you reach middle age—a point of transition where you zoom out a bit and start thinking about the legacy you want to leave. But also, in midlife, you’re being pulled in all sorts of different directions. As a man, you feel really burdened by all these expectations, most of which are in your own mind. They’re not actually coming from other people. It’s the expectation you think others have of you—the belief that you have to be the provider, the protector, and the one who has to control everything. 

That’s what I used to be like, always pointing fingers, saying, Oh, it’s their fault. It’s his fault. Why is she doing that? I can’t believe she said that. They’ve really upset me. It was only when, after I burnt out and started to rebuild myself, that I began to understand. When I began getting coached, I realised that once I took responsibility for who I was, once I accepted who I was, once I fell in love with who I was, and once I had a clear understanding of my strengths and weaknesses, my values, priorities, beliefs, and intentions, then the world completely changed for me.

I kind of created a coaching method, which I call the Power Shift. It’s about working on increasing your self-awareness, mental strength, and emotional resilience. I believe that when men do that, suddenly, they have something to offer the modern world. Because so many men are looking around at the world at the moment, seeing how rapidly it’s changed over the last 20 to 30 years. Women are really on the front foot now. Yeah, and that’s fantastic. It’s absolutely brilliant that our culture has changed in this way, and women have a really clear idea about what they want from the world and who they want to be and what they want to do. 

Whereas men, we’re still a bit stuck in the 20th century, wondering, What does the world want from us now? We feel like we’re being told that the world doesn’t want us, that it doesn’t want our innate drives anymore, and that there’s something inherently toxic about being masculine. I don’t believe the world is telling us that, but it’s what many men are hearing. That’s what many men are feeling. It’s a similar situation to what I went through—avoiding responsibility for ourselves, pointing fingers at the outside world and saying, The world’s changed, and what’s expected of me has changed. And nobody asked me if that was okay.

PS: You talked earlier about how, in your career, you were saying yes to everything because you were asked to, and it was only when you began saying no and taking a step back that things started to come to you. Is that an example of people-pleasing behaviour, or was it something different?

DG: Yes, it is, and I think that’s how people-pleasing behaviour often manifests in men. It’s people-pleasing in the sense that you’re not putting yourself, your well-being, and your health first. It’s people-pleasing in trying to increase your status by never saying no, by not wanting to be perceived as letting people down or being seen as weak. So, instead of saying, No, I don’t have the energy for this or No, I actually need to spend time with my family, we say, Yes, I’ll take that meeting. Yes, I’ll respond to that email now. Yes, I’ll take that phone call while I’m sitting at the dinner table with my wife and kids, even though I should be present with them. That’s people-pleasing, too. 

We often think of people-pleasing as running around, taking care of others, which is more typical of how it manifests in women. I’m not saying it’s exclusive to one gender, but I think that’s how people-pleasing often shows up in women. For men, it’s pushing through and doing things we shouldn’t be doing when we should be prioritising our health and our own priorities first. We’re sacrificing our own priorities for someone else’s—to make more money for someone else, to make more money for the business, or to afford a slightly nicer car or that extra holiday to Dubai. And that sort of people-pleasing, I think, becomes really toxic in men.

PS
Do you think we can be people-pleasing in one area of our lives but not in another? The reason I ask, and what prompted this whole podcast episode, is that a few weeks ago, or maybe a couple of months back, my wife had listened to a podcast that covered the topic of people-pleasing. She said to me, “You really need to listen to this.” So I did, and it wound me up a lot, mostly because of the way they approached the topic, I have to admit. But it made me think. 

I believe that in my professional life, I’m not a people-pleaser. I think I have firm boundaries. I will say no to people, and it doesn’t spill over into my family life. But, what I did recognise from what she said was that I think I’m a people-pleaser when it comes to my wife and possibly my kids as well, especially my oldest child. I’ll say yes all the time. Can you pick me up from this course? Can we watch this movie? Yes, I’ll watch it, even if I’ve got no interest in it. It’s just constant yes, yes, yes. It’s not the same as not looking after myself, but it’s different.

DG: What that does, Paul, is it gradually chips away at your self-worth. That’s a constant message to your mind saying, I don’t come first. Everybody else is worth more than me. So, therefore, I always say yes. And that constantly diminishes your self-worth and self-esteem, because you’re repeatedly telling yourself, What I think doesn’t matter. What I feel here doesn’t matter. I’ve got to put other people first. 

Don’t get me wrong, as parents, of course, there are times when we must put our children first. That’s a decision we make when we choose to become parents. The same goes for relationships—there are times when you have to compromise, meet people halfway, otherwise, long-term relationships don’t work. But when that behaviour becomes toxic is when it tips over into being chronic and never going back the other way—when it’s always a “yes”. Because people will treat you how you allow them to. If you set up the expectation that you’re the person who always says yes, then you’re going to be the person everyone piles onto. Whether it’s your family, your friends, or at work, the same pattern will emerge.

You’re absolutely right. We all have areas of our lives where we have strong boundaries and areas where we don’t. But we need to ensure that we establish boundaries in every single part of our lives. And actually, people often say, “Oh, I’m a bit of a people-pleaser,” and chuckle, as if it’s some kind of endearing trait. But it’s not funny. It’s not cool. It’s really, really damaging.

PS: In what way? I mean, you’ve mentioned self-worth—how it’s damaging in terms of, as you said, chipping away at your sense of who you are. Because, to give a personal example, a few months back, I started thinking, Okay, I need to take back control of some of my time and do things that I enjoy. But I had no idea what those things were! The only reason I can think of is because I’ve never really done it. I’ve always done what everyone else wants. It’s always been about what they enjoy, not what I enjoy. So, I wonder, can it also create a lack of intimacy with those around you because you’re not being authentic?

DG: Exactly that, Paul. Exactly that. As I was saying earlier about my experience at the BBC, how I gradually moved away from my genuine, authentic self—that’s what I’m referring to. Our values, which sit in our unconscious mind, drive every choice and decision we make. Most of us are unaware of them. Life is a series of values conflicts, and we’re constantly seeking to feel a certain way in everything we do. 

That’s what humans are always looking for—ways to feel. If you start compromising on that, your ways of feeling will never align with what you actually want, so you’re always going to feel bad. And always feeling bad is not a sustainable way to live your life. That will lead to poor mental health. You’ll develop a negative view of yourself, and as a result, you’ll stop looking after yourself. You’ll sabotage yourself.

You’ll create a belief system—which is another unconscious mechanism that shapes the lens through which we see the world—that positions yourself as less than others. If your worldview is that you’re always putting everyone else first, you’ll see yourself as inferior, as beneath others. That’s going to drive you to do things you don’t want to do—things you shouldn’t do because they don’t fit with who you are. 

The more you engage in this, the further you move away from your authentic self. Now, I’m not a psychologist or psychotherapist, and I’m not qualified to diagnose anyone. But for me, that’s what causes depression, anxiety, and stress—moving away from who you really are. If you have poor boundaries and are constantly saying yes to people, you’re sending the message to your mind that everyone else is worth more than you. You’re reducing your self-esteem and self-respect.

Then, when good things do come into your life, your mind says, We don’t deserve this, and it sabotages it. We reject it because, subconsciously, we see ourselves as being at a much lower level than the opportunity. We don’t do this deliberately or consciously, but I’m sure many people listening to this will recognise the feeling—things come along, and they’ve almost messed them up out of nowhere. It’s because the mind does what it thinks we want it to do. 

So, if we keep telling our subconscious mind, which runs the show, that we are worthless, that’s the life we’re going to get. We’ll end up with a life that a worthless person gets, simply because we’ve instructed our mind that this is what we deserve.

And in doing this, Paul, we’re letting other people down too—our children, our partners, our employees, our colleagues. They need us to have high self-worth and self-esteem. They need us to think very highly of ourselves. They need us to have a very clear idea of what our values are, what unique gifts and talents we bring to the table, and a very clear understanding of what we will and won’t do—our standards, if you like. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a kind and generous person. 

I’m a very kind and generous person; I love helping others. It’s my reason for being—to serve others. That’s what I’m here to do. But not at the expense of myself. I can’t serve others 100% if I’m busy reducing my own self-worth and self-esteem.

PS: Yeah, it’s a difficult balance or maybe a lack of understanding. I was talking to someone the other day about this topic, and they said to me, “Well, what’s wrong with saying yes to people? What’s wrong with trying to make people happy? If you’re someone who sets firm boundaries all the time, aren’t you going to come across as a bit of a sociopath?” But it’s not that, is it? I mean, that’s taking it way too far.

DG: Not at all. And this is where the problem lies, Paul—this is the belief system people have. I know many people who work in healthcare and social care, for example. They’re incredibly caring people, but they work themselves into the ground being kind to others and making other people’s lives better. That will catch up with them eventually, and they won’t be in a position to help anyone. 

So, yes, we should all be kind, but that kindness has to start with ourselves. We need to be kind to ourselves first. You cannot pour from an empty cup. If your cup is empty because you keep saying yes, you’re letting the people down that you’re saying yes to. You’re not letting them down when you say, No, I need some space here. I need some time for myself. This is non-negotiable time that I spend with myself and my family. You’re not letting people down by saying that; you’re letting people down when you do the opposite—when you say yes and sacrifice something you don’t really want to, because that also builds resentment.

And it’s not sociopathic to have strong boundaries. It’s having a clear sense of who you are, what you care about, and why. It’s about protecting that. We all need to do that to safeguard our mental and emotional health. It’s like the old analogy about being on a plane: they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first. Our instinct might be to put it on our child or our elderly mother sitting next to us first. But if you’re faffing around, can’t get any oxygen, and you pass out, you’re all going to die. So put your oxygen mask on first. Make sure your cup is full. Make sure you’re as mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually well as you can be. Then, you can truly show up for others. You can give people 100%.

PS: With all the people that you work with, all the men you've coached, how much of a contributing factor do you think this whole idea of people-pleasing and saying “yes” all the time, and being of service to others, plays into the problems men experience in midlife? Because it seems, from everything you’ve said and everything I’ve read, that it must be a major problem. How common is it when you coach people? How often does this issue arise?

DG: Very common. I’m trying to think now if there’s ever been a client I’ve worked with where people-pleasing hasn’t shown up somewhere as an issue, and I honestly can’t think of one. It’s very common, Paul, especially among good men who want to do the right thing, who want to help and support others, and who aren’t sociopaths or extremely selfish. They’re the kind of men I work with. They’re kind, caring, compassionate men. So, yes, they’ve all ended up in toxic situations because they’re trying to please people. And, again, that shows up in different ways. 

For some, it’s working too much; for others, it’s never switching off from work—that’s people-pleasing too, you know. Some of them never say no. It manifests in various ways, but it’s all toxic, and it all diminishes our sense of self, our self-worth, our self-esteem, and our self-respect. The lower we place ourselves on our list of priorities, the more stressed, anxious, and frustrated we become. And if we’re constantly stressed, frustrated, and anxious, we’re no good to anyone. We can’t offer good help, advice, or support to others. We can’t be good leaders when we’re stressed and frustrated, because it actually messes with our physiology. You literally cannot think clearly when you’re in a state of stress because, on a physiological level, your ancient brain thinks you’re going to get eaten by a predator.

So, our bodies enter a fight-or-flight state, preparing us to either have a confrontation or flee from danger. That’s not helpful when you’re trying to lead a business, raise children, or maintain a deep, connected relationship with your partner. When you’re in stress mode, you can’t think straight because the blood literally drains away from your frontal cortex—the rational part of your brain—and moves to your muscles and organs to prepare for physical action. So, we lose the very thing that makes us human, the ability to reason, respond, and create space between a stimulus and how we respond to it. 

Another way this shows up for men is the need to exert control—trying to control circumstances, events, and people because they think, That’s the best way I can show up for others—by telling them what to do. But no, it’s not. All that does is further reduce your self-respect, self-worth, and self-esteem, and it becomes toxic.

PS: Yeah. Do you have any idea what drives this sort of behaviour?

DG: It all comes from a positive place, Paul.

PS: I don’t disagree with that, but I was thinking about childhood. When I was a kid, I was a good student. I did well, but I was always told, You can do better. Whether it was teachers or maybe if I got a “B” in a test, it was always, You can do better. I wonder whether that mindset has followed me my entire life, making me think, Maybe I’m not good enough. I could be better than this.

DG: Exactly. It’s a pervasive mindset in our culture—not-enoughness. That not-enoughness is absolutely why we become people-pleasers. It’s where it comes from. We all have an innate drive to help. We’re social, tribal beings, and we thrive when we collaborate. Kind people want to help and support others. We want to do our best and be our best, but when we feel like we’re not enough, that’s when it becomes a problem. 

We start doing things we probably don’t want to do because we think it will get us ahead, make us feel like we’re enough. We go the extra mile. It’s fine to do that every now and then. Sometimes we need to put in a 10 or 15-hour day because there’s an emergency, or something needs to be completed. But when that becomes the norm, that’s when it becomes toxic.

This mentality of never saying “no” is what happened to me at the BBC—it just became the norm. So, naturally, all the people in charge would ask me to cover the extra shifts or change from a day shift to a late shift because I never said no. I thought it would get me ahead, but it didn’t. It just got me exploited.

PS: I think the word “exploited” is spot on, isn’t it?

DG: Yes, exactly. But there’s no one to blame for that. I can’t point fingers at my bosses or the people at the BBC and say it was their fault. It wasn’t. It was my fault. I set the boundaries. I allowed them to treat me in certain ways. I actively sought it out in a lot of ways. So, that’s entirely my responsibility. That’s on me.

PS: So, if I’m listening to this and thinking, I can see a lot of myself in this, and it sounds like most of the people who come to you see it in themselves as well, how do you go from being someone who says “yes” too much to someone who has clearer boundaries and says “no” without coming across as a jerk? Because if I suddenly start saying no, my perception is that people are going to think I’m an idiot.

DG: Yeah, I understand that. But the first thing you need to do is trust that your intentions are pure. If you’re coming from a place of love, and not from a place of fear, then you have no problem. People will understand. If you’re coming from a place of fear, being aggressive, passive-aggressive, avoidant, or not communicating well, then yes, people will get annoyed and wonder what’s going on.

The first step, Paul, is to turn your attention inward and understand what’s going on with you. Get really clear on who you are. I think this is especially important in midlife because it’s a big transition point, one of the biggest transitions we go through in life. You need to take some time to figure out who you really are, what your values are, what feelings you’re seeking from life, and what’s important to you. 

Once you have a good understanding of that, you can prioritise it. Then, when you start prioritising your values and your needs, people will notice the benefits. There will be occasions when you have to be assertive and say, No, I’m not doing that, and maybe explain why: I have this value or principle, and that’s my standard.

The more you do it, the more people get used to it. Actually, people end up respecting you more, not less. In my experience at the BBC, when I stopped saying yes to everything, I became more powerful. People’s perception of me changed. They respected me a lot more. They offered me more opportunities, not fewer, because I was no longer there to be taken advantage of. 

When I did say yes, it meant something. It changed the dynamic. If you’re a kind, genuine person, and your intentions are good, you can trust yourself to know when to say no. Often, anger is a good indicator. I’m not suggesting getting angry at people, but when you feel that emotion rising, it’s a message for you. It’s a signal that a line is being crossed, and you need to address it. And believe me, the world is not going to end when you say no.

PS: Absolutely. When you talk about values, in order to become more assertive and set better boundaries, how does someone go about identifying what their values are? I assume, as a coach, you take people through an exercise to do that?

DG: Yes, I do a process called Values Elicitation, which is incredibly powerful. I’d always advise people to seek help, even if it’s just finding resources online. There are plenty of tools and videos on YouTube that will guide you through exercises to help you uncover your values. One thing I ask my clients is what their ideal world would look like. 

If they could wave a magic wand and create the world exactly as they want it, what would it look like? They’ll describe something like, “We’d all be living in peace, love, and harmony, and everything would be great.” Then I dig deeper: What exactly would that look like? And then I ask, Why? Why do you want the world to be that way? What’s important about that? This helps uncover their end goals, their emotional values—things like contentment, satisfaction, happiness, joy, purpose, meaning, and fulfilment.

Another exercise is to ask, What would your life look like if I could give you a magic wand and remove all limits? If you won the lottery and there were no restrictions, what would your life look like? People might say, I’d be living in the Caribbean, on a yacht, or giving back to charities. Then I ask, Why? What purpose does that serve? Again, this helps to get to the core values. For example, many people say, I’d love a million pounds. I ask, Great, what for? It’s not the money that’s important—it’s what you plan to do with it that reveals your values.

Your value system is constantly in action. Look at what you’ve been doing. Reflect on the past 90 days: what have you been spending your time, energy, effort, and money on? Where have you been investing yourself? When you examine your actions, you’ll see that when you’re motivated, it’s because you’re chasing a core value. That will reveal to you, Oh, I’ve been spending a lot of time with my kids. Why? Because it’s my responsibility and I love them. So, love is a value you’re pursuing. If you realise you’ve been putting a lot into your relationships, connection might be a value.

Once you’ve listed out these values, create a top five and rank them. Ask yourself: What’s more important—honesty or contentment, security or love? Rank your values, and you’ll have a clear top five or top ten. Be very clear about them. Then, you can use that list as your GPS. When an opportunity comes along, ask: Does it align with my values? If it ticks three out of five, maybe consider it. If it ticks all five, jump on it. If it only ticks one, draw a line in the sand and say “no”.

PS: Do you find many people living in a way that’s completely contrary to their values, needing realignment?

DG: Yes, I did that myself. I was doing all sorts of things I didn’t agree with. For example, I’d get on my soapbox and complain about corporations exploiting their employees, because I believe in fairness and I really dislike how people are exploited in the modern corporate world. 

But there I was, allowing myself to be exploited at work—working 50-hour weeks, working on my days off, doing turnarounds from late shifts to early shifts, and getting no sleep. Here I was saying, I don’t agree with this, it’s outrageous, yet I was living my life in a way that completely contradicted what I believed in. That was very stressful because I was totally out of alignment with my values. I was sacrificing what I passionately believed in because I thought that’s what success looked like.

PS: How do people go about becoming assertive once they’ve identified their values? If someone realises they’re not living according to their values and wants to be more assertive in certain areas of their life, where do they start? Is it about the language they use? Is it about being more direct with people?

DG: It starts with trusting and believing in yourself. It starts with grounding yourself in who you are. Once you’ve done that, it will come naturally. When you’ve got real clarity on what you care about, you’ll instinctively start saying no to things. When you’re in love with yourself and being your true self, unashamedly, you know instinctively what to say “yes” and “no” to. You don’t need to deliberately change your approach. It happens naturally because, when you have high self-esteem and self-respect, you won’t want to compromise your boundaries. So, you won’t. 

Trust your intentions. If you’re a good person doing good things, you can trust your intentions. When your conscience and inner guidance tell you to say no, back yourself up, be assertive, and communicate clearly. It comes from confidence and self-belief.

When you’ve got good confidence, self-belief, and self-esteem, and you respect yourself, you won’t let people take advantage of you. It’s only when those qualities have been worn down over the years that you find it difficult.

PS: I heard a great tip on this recently about giving yourself space to say no. What I mean is...

DG: Yes, exactly. Giving yourself permission to say no.

PS: Yes. This tip suggested that often your immediate reaction is to say yes because you want to be helpful. It’s about developing a response like, Let me get back to you on that. It buys you time to step away and think, Actually, I don’t want to do that. Then you have a reasonable, thought-out response.

DG: Exactly. If you give yourself a bit of time to think, Actually, no, I don’t want to do that. No, I’m not going to say yes to that, and it’s because you want to prioritise your time with your children or spend time on your passions, or because you made a promise to your wife and you’re not going to break it. It’s because you have standards. You can go back confident in the fact that you’re making a decision that’s right for you, coming from a place of good intention. It’s not about being selfish. It’s not about saying, Oh, I’d rather be off having a laugh with my mates. But even if that is what you want to do and it’s a priority, then do it! Trust your own intentions.

But this not-enoughness creeps in, making us feel like we can’t trust our intentions—that we’re acting from a lazy or selfish place. And the other thing is, stop caring so much about what other people think.

PS: That’s difficult though, isn’t it? If I look at someone who’s very assertive, I might think, I don’t particularly like them, and other people don’t like them. So, I end up saying yes even more, which is counterproductive, right?

DG: Exactly. But what is it you don’t like about that assertive person? It’s not their assertiveness—it’s the way they’re doing it, the way they talk to people, their lack of respect. That’s what you dislike. If you’re not that type of person, you won’t behave like that. You can be assertive, set boundaries, and say no without being a jerk. The reason you dislike that guy is because he’s a jerk. You’re not a jerk. You’re fine.

PS: So, if someone’s listening and thinking, Some of this is resonating, but I’m not sure, how do they identify if they fall into the people-pleasing category?

DG: It’s tough, because it’s really hard to read the label when you’re inside the bottle, isn’t it? People-pleasing is not something to laugh about. If you’re sitting there saying, I’m a bit of a people-pleaser, it’s not funny. It’s toxic. It’s bad for your health. It will ruin you if you continue, and you’re letting people down—not just yourself. It’s not selfish to ensure your cup is full. It’s selfless. 

As a coach, I’d highly recommend people look into coaching. Having someone there to hold up a mirror, someone who understands human psychology and can keep you accountable, can transform your life. But even if it’s just reaching out to people you trust and asking, Do you think I’m a people-pleaser? Reflect in any way you can—keep a journal, do an audit of your choices, and ask yourself: What’s my motivation? Keep asking, For what purpose?

One of the questions I love asking myself and my clients is, For what purpose? Keep asking yourself this when you’re saying “yes” to things, when you’re agreeing to commitments, when you’re driving somewhere and thinking, What on earth am I doing this for? Why am I going? I don’t want to be here, and you’re feeling resentment. Ask yourself, For what purpose? Why did I commit to this?

Sometimes, there is a valid reason to do something you don’t want to do. We all have to do that occasionally, don’t we, Paul? Sometimes there’s a very good and pure motivation behind it. But if it’s becoming a regular pattern, if it’s happening too often, if you’re constantly feeling resentful, stressed, and frustrated by the things you’re doing, then chances are it’s because it’s not aligning with who you are internally.

So, do a bit of an audit. Engage in some self-reflection. Find out what your motivations are. Ask yourself, Why am I doing this? For what purpose? Am I prioritising my health, my needs, and my well-being? Because, believe me, no one else is going to prioritise these things for you.

OUTRO

PS: I hope you found today’s show, valuable. You can connect with Daniel on LinkedIn. 

If you found the show useful, please do tell someone who you think might benefit from this too. 

You can also now follow Middleman on Instagram for additional content and behind-the-scenes exclusives, and sign up for the Middleman newsletter at middlemanpodcast.com. 

Next week, we’re tackling men’s mental health and addressing the pressures on men from a female perspective.

Katie Goodrum: Men often don't talk about things until it hits crisis point, and that has to change or else we're never going to break this cycle. 

For me, that's huge, because I need the men in my life to be the best versions of themselves.

PS: See you then.